Have you ever looked back upon a life changing moment in your past and watched as an infinite number of pathways and possibilities branch out from the existence that we live in and delve deep into new and intricate realities built solely upon “what ifs” and “could have beens” rooted firmly in our minds? As if you can see it all, stretching outwards along this tremendous, tangent line, twisting and turning as we make our way towards the eventual ending which turns out the same, regardless of the paths that we take. An entire lifetime lived within a second.
As we come back down and awaken to the stark and sudden reality that is the path we once took and the lives we now lead, we can’t help but look back over our shoulders and wonder, as we feel ourselves being pulled further and further away from that turn back down the road, entrapped in something that’s completely beyond our control.
Since day one, the path of my life has never stopped turning. Being the son of a representative for the South African Department of Disarmament and Foreign Affairs as well as attaining all the diplomatic privileges such as the extensive travel and duty free shopping which goes along with this title may sound like a dream come true to some, but unfortunately for me, being posted abroad every four years of my life and uprooting myself from everything that I know; my friends, my family, my school, my security and my niche, has without a doubt been the most significant hardship that I have faced throughout my life.
I remember how it all seemed so easy not so long ago as I reminisce on the days where I would sit in the airport terminal and watch as my mother broke into tears as she hugged my Aunt goodbye. The apathy that filled my heart that day left me with a longing curiosity as to how a person could care so deeply about simply leaving a country. It’s what I’d been doing my entire life and as a seven year old I was practically indifferent as to where I’d be reading my next cat in the hat book or who I’d be running around with on the playground at lunch.
I also remember at age fifteen how all of a sudden the fact that I was moving again was devastating. The constant reassurances from my friend Monique that she’d be strong once I left and the promise that she’d be ok when I was gone, were the only things that I needed for me to be ok. The feeling of absolute and complete dependence upon another person and the comfort in knowing that regardless of what might happen to me; there would always be solace in knowing that she was ok was the most beautiful feeling that I had ever known. Before that day, I had never understood what it meant to lose someone who you truly loved. Only now do I understand as I reflect back on that day in the airport when my mother said goodbye to her sister, knowing that my four year old cousin had just been diagnosed with leukemia and not knowing if my aunt was going to be ok, as I replay the scene in my mind, I understand and I feel her pain.
Throughout my life I’ve continuously been told how similar my mother and I are, that we have the same blue eyes, the same Roman nose, the same wavy, light brown hair and the same delicate empathy for others. I’m eighteen years old now and soon I will no longer have to follow my family if they are ever to move again. I’ve decided that when I graduate from high school, I’m taking control of my own life and attaining the one thing that’s always managed to elude me, stability. It’s the reason why I want to go to college in
As I look back upon the stratified layers of my past and see myself as an infant in a hospital crib in Tel Aviv, a curly haired kindergartener in Stockholm, an aspiring young cricket player in Pretoria, a snowboarder on the Swiss Alps in Geneva, a musician in Auckland, and the person who I am today as an accumulation of all the places that I’ve been and the people who have touched and influenced me throughout my life, I don’t regret a thing. I love my family with all my heart and I’m thankful for all the friends that I’ve had and the experiences that I’ve been through, but for the first time in my life I’d finally like to settle down and have the piece of mind in knowing that this is my new home and that I’m not going to be leaving it anytime soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment